Wide Open

I hesitated to post this, because I don’t want sympathy or pity. But I want to be completely honest, so here it is:

Tonight, I sit awake, crying, grieving again the child we expected to have 11 months ago. I don’t know why I grieve. The child we got instead is sweet, funny, adorable, capable, smart, caring, non-discriminating, loving and playful. There never was any other child. She was always going to be who she is. It’s been almost a year, and I finally, maybe for the first time, have seen an upside to Down Syndrome. I’ve noticed lately that a lot of parents of “typical” kids watch their child clip through milestones, without their giving it a second thought. Yet they’re always wishing for the next one, never appreciating what they’ve got. “Yes he/she’s crawling/babbling/teething/feeding himself, but when’s he ever going to…?” I almost feel a relief that I can watch my child and be excited about what she is doing instead of frustrated at what she’s not. Her having a “disability” has given me the permission to throw typical expectations out the window, and enjoy her on Addison-time. Having said that, it can be incredibly frustrating to work and work and work on a given skill for months at a time, seeing no progress whatsoever. Until one day, she decides she’s ready, and takes off. Just in the last few weeks, Addison has learned to get from her tummy to sitting, started babbling, and has figured out if she positions herself just right, she can pull herself up on her crib rail.

So, why do I grieve? Selfishness. Pride. Envy. Empathy. Fear. As much as Addison may be more alike others than different, she will always be different. Though many will be nice to her, some will not, and some only patronizingly. I’m afraid they won’t all see past her flat nose, almond eyes and low-set ears to genuinely appreciate the girl behind them and give her a fair chance. We all have our shortcomings, she just has to wear hers on the outside.

Friday, November 14

Aunt Brittan and Uncle Russ (and Berk-dog) had a long weekend last week, so they decided to get in some Tulsa time. We had a great time tossing pizza crusts, making s'mores and solving all the world's problems. Addison was a bit shy at first, but warmed up quickly and loved spending time with them. We also got to celebrate Russ passing the bar exam! Way to go, Esquire Jumper.

Addison turned 11 months old yesterday! So, of course, it was time for her obligatory bear picture. She is growing up so quickly. It's hard to believe she'll be a year old soon.

Addison's latest development is that she started to babble last week. If I may say, it is the cutest thing ever. Sometimes she seems like she really knows what she's saying, it just comes out, "bablaba, pthhh."

She's also enjoying books lately. Mostly she likes to flip the pages, hit me in the face with it, or try to put it in her mouth, but it's a start. We got her a few new ones today. We thought since she spends her days at face-level with Bear, we'd get something that relates to her world.

Monday, November 3

Yabba Dabba Doo! As some of you know, Addison decided to be Pebbles Flinstone for Halloween. So, in an effort to support her decision, Wes and I dressed- you guessed it- as Fred & Wilma. We actually had a great time. It’s been a long time since I’ve dressed up for Halloween. I’d forgotten how much fun it is to have an excuse to be goofy in public for a night. Plus, it’s way more fun to dress up with someone. It’s also a lot more fun to wear an actual costume instead of whatever we could find around the house an hour before time to go trick-or-treating. I’ll let you in on a little secret- my parents made me a bag-lady like four years in a row. No wonder I haven’t dressed up in a while. (It’s also no wonder I wasn’t the most popular kid around.)

We also had another swimming lesson this weekend, and, while I may be a tad biased, I think Addison is the best student in the class. She loves every minute of it and is not the least bit scared. Next week they’re going to have us put our children’s heads under water. The other parents in the class are a bit nervous. I, on the other hand, have been struggling to keep her head out of the water this whole time.

This, I think, is the best picture we have yet. Addison figured out today how to get from her tummy to sitting, which has made naptime quite challenging. The first two times she sat up in her crib, I went in and laid her back down. When I walked in the second time, Addison looked up at me with the biggest smile on her face and started clapping. It was at that moment that I realized this was becoming a rather entertaining game for her. So, the next time I decided to leave her and see what happened. And this is it. She fell asleep sitting up.